Facebook Addict

Dear Social Network Abuser,

I hope you can take 5 minutes off from constantly updating us about your every move and read this. I know you will be shocked to hear this...no one cares what you are doing right now. The fact that you think someone wants to know what you are doing at every moment is incredible. I love knowing that you have a final tomorrow and are unhappy to be in the library. College is so tough. I don't know how you manage to get through it. I was going to comment on your status and wish you good luck but I figured your status would change before I had a chance to finish. I remember when you told me you were watching Jersey Shore with your friends. At that exact moment I was wondering if you were doing that so thank you for clearing that up. I see your local sports team won today! You must be so proud because you play such an intricate role in their success. I hate you. Also, I love when you insert random inspiration quotes and song lyrics! There is nothing cooler than letting us know your upset about your relationship as you sit in your room listening to the same song on repeat. I know you are too busy with your own status so you never have a chance to check mine. Here it is: I no longer want to be friends with you because you nearly drowned me with your shower of mental diarrhea.


I defriended you,

The World

Gal Pals

Dear Gentlemen,

Or should I say ladies? You always seem to find yourself in the midst of girls night, proudly raising your apple martinis with your limp wrist. Do you think we don't realize what you're doing? Boyfriends of the world sit and watch you pretend you actually like "So you think you can dance?" just so you can talk to our ladies. I like women too, don't get me wrong. I am just unwilling to take a dump on my pride to become close to them. I can't thank you enough for showing your sensitive side to my girlfriend when we were fighting. Offering her a shoulder to cry on was definitely a selfless act from the bottom of your heart. Maybe if we break up you can finally get what you want and hook up with her. If this happens please don't forget to call me and let me know how my dick tastes. I warn you to stop behaving like this because if you are not careful you are going to wake up with a permanent mangina soon.

You're not fooling anyone,

The Guys

Miss Mediocrity

Dear Miss,

Do you remember that time you drank a lot and suddenly thought you were God's gift to men? Judging by the drink stain on the front of your blouse chances are you do not. Unfortunately I remember it. You were the one stumbling around unable to put together a single coherent sentence. You came to the party a 6 but after a few drinks you placed beer goggles on yourself and became a 10. This warrants you thinking its your world and we are just living in it. Oh wait. No it doesn't. Sadly no one else has on the same goggles and the beautiful woman staring back at you in the mirror actually has a fupa to go along with her new found sense of confidence. Its not your appearance that bothers me at all. I will be the first to admit mediocrity arouses me. My issue with you is when your annoying behavior gets in the way of everyone's fun. Feel free to stop sucking immediately.


Love,

The guy you don't remember meeting

Corporate Cockbag

Dear Corporate,

Remember the time you told me that I didn’t have the “professional polish” and I wasn’t prepared for “business problem solving”…but I was definitely “the most interesting guy”? For that, I say thank you. Little do you know how much that means to me. Has anyone ever woke up in the morning and thought, “God, today I really need to work on my professional polish.” Or, perhaps, “Wow, it’s sunny out today, looks like the perfect day to work through some business problem solving.” To that, I respectfully say, no thank you. Let me put things into perspective for you: a professional polish has never gotten anyone laid, but I’m confident being interesting has. So rock on corporate America. Tighten that double Windsor up a little tighter and look yourself in the mirror and say, “No wonder the rest of the world hates me. The only business problem I’ve solved is ruining the world economy.”

Sincerely,

The Interesting World